


Serendipity is the Wrong Text to the Right Number

by PagesofParsley



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Chatlogs, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, It's happening, Law School, Law School AU, Mystery, Romance, Slow Burn, Wrong number, all characters are post time skip ages, but it's ok because claude is a hashtag good friend, byleth is a PROPER texter, chatfic, claude is not, it's for school, lol no it's not, no beta we die like Glenn, rip jeralt, the golden deer have a discord server, you can't stop me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-11
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:26:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29346582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PagesofParsley/pseuds/PagesofParsley
Summary: [4:46 PM] what do you do for work not seteth?[4:50 PM] You're back.[4:50 PM] it's me yes your old pal claude[4:52 PM] Claude.[4:52 PM] yes not seteth?[4:54 PM] Why do you only use apostrophes when writing "it's" and nothing else?[4:54 PM[ answer my question first :V[4:57 PM] Security.[4:57 PM] what like a mall cop[4:58 PM] No, not like a mall cop.[4:58 PM] care to elaborate?[5:00 PM] I travel a lot.[5:00 PM] Now you.[5:01 PM] hmmm[5:02 PM] wouldnt want people to think i dont know the difference between its and it's[5:02 PM] very important you know[5:03 PM] why do you text like a boomer not seteth?[5:07 PM] I looked up "boomer." I am not a boomer.Claude meant to text Seteth about borrowing some books. A wrong number isn't supposed to go like this, is it? Well, Claude's not gonna complain.
Relationships: My Unit | Byleth/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 30
Kudos: 109





	1. seteth obviously gave him a fake number

**Author's Note:**

> Once the idea for this fic took hold, it just wouldn't let go. Now here we are. Hope you enjoy!

**Tuesday, Great Tree Moon 8**

**[6:29 PM] seteth my man, my scholarly comrade, my favorite person in at least half of this academy…i need a favor**

[6: 29 PM] Who is this?

**[6:30 PM] you know me! claude, charming rogue with exquisite style and taste**

[6:30 PM] I believe you have the wrong number.

**[6:31 PM] you wound me seteth. i come with a humble request and this is how you treat me**

[6:32 PM] I'm not "Seteth."

**[6:32 PM[ thats cold. what would flayn say if she knew you were being so cruel to her classmate?**

[6:33 PM] I don't know a "Flayn."

**[6:34 PM] wait what**

**[6:34 PM[ i think i might actually have the wrong number**

[6:35 PM] Yes. You do.

**[6:36 PM] ah my bad. im sorry person who is not seteth**

[6:39 PM] It's fine.

**[6:40 PM] you couldve blocked my number. one day id get over the pain**

[6:44 PM] I thought that would be rude. You believed you were texting Seteth, so it would have seemed like it was him that blocked you.

**[6:44 PM] thats so nice omg youre a blessed stranger**

[6:46 PM] I still considered blocking this number.

[6:47 PM] If you continued sending insistent messages, I mean.

**[6:48 PM] fair. is this you telling me farewell? that our paths shall not cross again in this fickle world of fate?**

[6:50 PM] Since we have no reason to keep talking, yes.

**[6:51 PM] ouch. are you sure youre not seteth?**

[6:54 PM] Yes.

[6:55 PM] Good luck with the real Seteth, Claude.

**[6:55 PM] thank you for the best 25 minutes of my life not seteth. ill never 4get u**

[6:56 PM] 26.

**[6:56 PM] what**

[6:58 PM] 26 minutes. The time between your first and last message was 26 minutes, not 25.

**[6:58 PM] lol wow**

**[6:59 PM] i didnt expect you to be such a smartass not seteth**

[7:01 PM] I decided that you should be aware it was the best 26 minutes of your life, not the best 25.

**[7:01 PM] definitely a smartass**

[7:02 PM] Goodbye, Claude.

**[7:02 PM] smh**

**[7:03 PM] bye not seteth**

* * *

**Thursday, Great Tree Moon 10**

[11:14 AM] What was the favor?

**[11:15 AM] not seteth????? do my eyes deceive me???**

[11:16 AM] I am curious about the favor you wanted from Seteth.

**[11:16 AM] thats pretty weird not seteth. should i be flattered or worried?**

[11:18 AM] Will you tell me or not?

**[11:18 AM] so pushy!**

**[11:19 AM] im afraid the favor is very boring**

[11:20 AM] That makes me more interested.

**[11:21 AM] fiiiiiine. i just needed to ask him about some library books he might know something about**

[11:22 AM] Is Seteth a librarian?

**[11:22 AM] nah hes more like an administrator i guess**

[11:23 AM] Why not ask the librarian?

**[11:23 AM] reasons**

[11:26 AM] Are you going to explain?

**[11:26 AM] nope**

**[11:38 AM] not seteth did you give up?**

[11:39 AM] You said no.

**[11:39 AM] yeah but like**

**[11:39 AM] i thought youd ask again**

[11:40 AM] Do you want me to ask again?

**[11:40 AM] up to you not seteth**

[11:44 AM] Are you going to explain why you won't ask the librarian?

**[11:44 AM] nope**

[11:45 AM] OK.

**[11:53 AM] alright you convinced me ill tell you**

**[11:54 AM] seteth controls which books are added to the library and which ones arent. thought id ask nicely for some...cool books**

[11:55 AM] What books?

**[11:55 AM] cool books**

**[12:02 PM] arent you gonna ask what cool books means**

[12:03 PM] No.

**[12:03 PM] why not**

[12:04 PM] Because your answers are not answers.

**[12:04 PM] not seteth thats just not true. i am nothing if not forthcoming**

[12:05 PM] Of course.

**[12:21 PM] sorry had to take care of something. back now**

[12:23 PM] Didn't notice you were gone.

**[12:23 PM] not seteth are you ABSOLUTELY sure you are not real seteth?**

[12:24 PM] Positive.

[12:24 PM] Also, no, I am not going to ask why you were gone.

**[12:25 PM] i feel like you want to know but wont admit it**

[12:26 PM] No, I don’t really care.

**[12:26 PM] hey you texted me first**

[12:27 PM] I did not.

**[12:27 PM] i dont wanna pull receipts but...**

[12:28 PM] Oh. You meant today.

**[12:28 PM] yeah lol**

**[12:28 PM] question**

**[12:29 PM] were talking a lot for people who have no reason to talk**

[12:31 PM] Is there a question in that?

**[12:32 PM] it's my turn to be curious. about why you were curious**

[12:36 PM] I like mysteries.

[12:36 PM] Well, no. I like solving them.

**[12:37 PM] are you saying i am a mystery you want to solve? ;)**

[12:39 PM] No. Only the favor thing.

**[12:39 PM] 😭**

**[12:40 PM] are we done talking again then**

[12:41 PM] Maybe.

**[12:41 PM] and you said my answers werent answers**

[12:48 PM] I have to go. Work. Enjoy your "cool books."

**[12:49 PM] it sounds really sketchy when you say it like that**

**[12:49 PM] theyre just books that are cool. cool books**

**[12:50 PM] alright though later not seteth**

**[12:50 PM] nice chatting :)))**

* * *

**Friday, Great Tree Moon 11**

**[4:46 PM] what do you do for work not seteth?**

[4:50 PM] You're back.

**[4:50 PM] it's me yes your old pal claude**

[4:52 PM] Claude.

**[4:52 PM] yes not seteth?**

[4:54 PM] Why do you only use apostrophes when writing "it's" and nothing else?

**[4:54 PM[ answer my question first :V**

[4:57 PM] Security.

**[4:57 PM] what like a mall cop**

[4:58 PM] No, not like a mall cop.

**[4:58 PM] care to elaborate?**

[5:00 PM] I travel a lot.

[5:00 PM] Now you.

**[5:01 PM] hmmm**

**[5:02 PM] wouldnt want people to think i dont know the difference between its and it's**

**[5:02 PM] very important you know**

**[5:03 PM] why do you text like a boomer not seteth?**

[5:07 PM] I looked up "boomer." I am not a boomer.

**[5:07 PM] exactly what a boomer would say and do**

[5:08 PM] Well, I am not one.

**[5:08 PM] then how old are you?**

[5:10 PM] Not relevant.

**[5:10 PM] if you don't tell me ill just assume youre a boomer**

[5:14 PM] I am probably around the same age as you.

**[5:14 PM] ok boomer**

[5:16 PM] I take it back. You are clearly a child.

**[5:16 PM] now hang on**

**[5:16 PM] my mom doesnt even buy my loot crates anymore**

[5:20 PM] I don't understand half of what you say.

**[5:20 PM] if youre really my age then you must not get out much**

[5:21 PM] How old are you?

**[5:21 PM] will you share if i share**

[5:22 PM] Maybe.

**[5:22 PM] you drive a hard bargain**

**[5:22 PM] im 23**

[5:25 PM] We are similar in age.

**[5:25 PM] how similar**

[5:26 PM] Similar.

**[5:26 PM] this wasnt a fair deal. ive been robbed**

**[5:26 PM] give me something. anything**

[5:34 PM] I don't honestly know.

**[5:34 PM] know what**

[5:35 PM] My age.

**[5:35 PM] wtf**

**[5:35 PM] thats a joke right**

[5:36 PM] I'm serious.

**[5:36 PM] how is that even possible???**

[5:37 PM] My dad never told me.

**[5:37 PM] uh did you not have birthdays growing up???**

[5:40 PM] Not really, no.

**[5:40 PM] not seteth how even. im so confused rn**

[5:42 PM] It’s hard to explain.

**[5:42 PM] clearly. what parent doesnt celebrate their kids birthday??**

[5:44 PM] I had a unique childhood. Dad and I moved pretty often. It didn’t seem weird to me then.

**[5:44 PM] and now?**

[5:45 PM] I’ll admit it’s a little strange.

**[5:46 PM] thats putting it mildy. cant you just ask him?**

[5:50 PM] No. I can’t.

**[5:51 PM] yeah i cant say id be on speaking terms with the dad who never gave me a birthday present either**

[5:56 PM] That isn't why.

**[5:56 PM] then why is it**

**[6:12PM] not seteth?**

**[6:17 PM] if he... passed away or something... i didn't mean to pry**

The light from Claude's phone screen flicks on and off in jagged, fidgety intervals as he toys with the home button. Should he text again? Wait? Ask if they're alright? He sighs into his shirt and tosses the phone to the edge of his mattress.

* * *

**Saturday, Great Tree Moon 12**

[9:36 AM] He did. Five years ago.

**[9:40 AM] shit. im so sorry. i put my foot in my mouth**

[9:42 AM] It's fine. Been a long time.

**[9:43 AM] is it? you kinda disappeared**

[9:50 AM] We are strangers. Explaining felt awkward. Sorry I made it worse.

**[9:51 AM] no not at all. it was my fault. i get if you don't want to talk anymore or yeah... heavy stuff like that is rough**

[9:55 AM] Do you want to stop talking?

**[9:57 AM] not really? i know thats super weird. talking to a wrong number? people dont do that. it's ok if you want to stop though. ill understand**

[10:04 AM] I don't get many messages from people. If it's OK, I'd like to text more.

**[10:04 AM] of course! knew you couldnt resist my swashbuckling charm**

[10:05 AM] I can still change my mind.

**[10:05 AM] even now that ive officially added "not seteth" to my contacts?**

[10:06 AM] Yes.

**[10:06 AM] you dont mince words do you**

[10:07 AM] No.

**[10:07 AM] point taken**

**[10:08 AM] did you add me to your contacts?**

[10:11 AM] Yes. As "Claude."

**[10:11 AM] just claude?**

[10:12 AM] That is your name, correct?

**[10:12 AM] cant argue with that**

[10:14 AM] Were you expecting a different name?

**[10:14 AM] i feel like i deserve an emoji or two**

[10:15 AM] I don't use emoticons.

**[10:15 AM] ever?**

[10:16 AM] Not that I recall.

**[10:16 AM] do you have a vendetta against them?**

[10:18 AM] No.

**[10:18 AM] sounds like you do**

[10:19 AM] No, I just don't use them myself.

**[10:19 AM] 💪🧠😎🤟🏽👀**

[10:21 AM] What is that?

**[10:21 AM] emojis :D**

[10:22 AM] I am aware. What does that combination mean?

**[10:23 AM] that you should look at all my cool guy emoji traits**

[10:24 AM] I see.

**[10:24 AM] im more of a meme man tbh**

[10:26 AM] Meme man?

**[10:35 AM]**

[10:37 AM] I don't get it.

**[10:37 AM] youve never seen this type of meme before??? how???**

[10:38 AM] The internet isn't something I use much.

**[10:38 AM] what about social media??**

[10:39 AM] I'm not really familiar.

**[10:39 AM] not seteth...**

**[10:40 AM] this is so sad... nils play lost in thoughts all alone**

[10:42 AM] I have no idea what you are talking about.

**[10:42 AM] dont worry about it**

**[10:43 AM] im sure you are a cultured and sophisticated individual**

**[10:49 AM] what are your hobbies? we can find something**

[10:52 AM] I enjoy fishing.

**[10:52 AM] ...**

**[10:52 AM] real seteth likes to fish. this is too much**

[10:54 AM] Is there something wrong with fishing?

**[10:54 AM] youre just getting closer to real seteth each day not seteth**

[10:55 AM] You don't seem fond of Seteth.

**[10:55 AM] hes fine. uptight but fine. wouldnt hit up the bars with the guy but yeah**

[10:57 AM] If you believe I am like Seteth, then do you think I am uptight as well?

**[10:57 AM] no!**

**[10:57 AM] im talking to you so obviously you are what the kids would call hip**

[10:58 AM] Well, I am glad you think I am "hip."

**[10:59 AM] thats not...you know what. lets just go with that yes**

[11:01 AM] OK.

[11:03 AM] Claude?

**[11:03 AM] yeeees?**

[11:05 AM] Thank you for talking to me. I feel better. You are a little odd but also very nice.

Claude stares at his phone, blinking in rapid bursts. He smiles into the back of his hand before beginning to type. The grin doesn't fade, and Claude doesn't realize he's still wearing it.

**[11:06 AM] np not seteth. i like talking to you too :p**

[11:09 AM] Busy now. Have a good day, Claude.

* * *

**Golden McDankMemes- 8 members**

[leanmememachine] @everyone whos around?

[Red Rose of Gloucester] I am present, Claude.

[leanmememachine] is anyone _else_ around?

[Red Rose of Gloucester] I am literally right here.

[sauin pride] no one cares

[sauin pride] sup claude

[AccessorizeThis] hiii~~

[leanmememachine] hey leonie hey hilda

[leanmememachine] we should talk about the mock trial. i have some ~~schemes~~ plans

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Frankly, I demand at least a modicum of respect. Simple acknowledgment would suffice.

[sauin pride] y'all hear that?

[sauin pride] that's the sound a bad haircut attached to a narcissist makes

[AccessorizeThis] asfdsadfasdf

[AccessorizeThis] HA

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Cyberbullying is a CRIME, you know.

[Cake is currency] Cyberbullying? That was stone cold murder

[Cake is currency] I approve btw

[Cake is currency] Also hello everyone

[AccessorizeThis] henlo~~

[sauin pride] never say henlo again

[StarryKnight] Raphael and I are here!

[MEAT LLC] eaitng vurittop

[sauin pride] wat

[leanmememachine] raph u good there m8

[StarryKnight] He meant "eating burrito!"He's typing one handed

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Raphael, please do try not to type and eat at the same time.

[sauin pride] let the man live you diaper rash

[AccessorizeThis] omg

[Cake is currency] I didn't know you could kill someone who was already dead

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Claude, are you really going to let this continue?

 **[leanmememachine]** **changed [Red Rose of Gloucester] to [diaper rash]**

[diaper rash] Oh, very mature.

[AccessorizeThis] LOL

[sauin pride] ahahahahaha

**[diaper rash] changed [diaper rash] to [Red Rose of Gloucester]**

[Cake is currency] I liked the old name more

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Thank you, Lysithea.

[Cake is currency] I meant diaper rash

[StarryKnight] Maybe lay off him a bit, everyone? Let's all get along

[AccessorizeThis] we do it out of love

[sauin pride] speak for yourself

[Red Rose of Gloucester] I commend Ignatz for his common sense.

[sauin pride] when you say common sense i feel insulted

[Red Rose of Gloucester] I assume you are referring to my impeccable sense of nobility? Let me be clear that any noble worth his salt exhibits good judgment. Contrary to the name, there is nothing "common" about common sense. It is a noble virtue.

[sauin pride] i don't even have a response to that

[leanmememachine] moving on

[leanmememachine] the mock trial

[leanmememachine] game plan

[Cake is currency] Think Marianne is missing

[AccessorizeThis] @dorte

[sauin pride] wow that was fast

[AccessorizeThis] i was about to ping her anyways

[dorte] oh um i've been here...

[dorte] sorry...

[AccessorizeThis] ur fine!!!

[AccessorizeThis] no need for sorry mari <3

**DM to [AccessorizeThis] from [dorte]**

[dorte] thanks hilda

[dorte] i know i'm a burden sometimes...

[AccessorizeThis] never!!!

[AccessorizeThis] u r way too sweet to ever be a burden <3<3<3

[dorte] ah... thank you

[dorte] :)

**Golden McDankMemes- 8 members**

[leanmememachine] alrighty gangs all here

[leanmememachine] time to d e l e g a t e

The Golden Deer House spent three hours talking together.

Very little was devoted to mock trial preparations.

* * *

**Sunday, Great Tree Moon 13**

Byleth studies her contact list, tracing the scant contents with a thumb:

**Bait Shop**

**Claude**

**Dad**

**Take Out**

Of these, Claude's was added only yesterday, and her father's number... It helped to hear his voicemail every once in a while. If anyone saw such a barren wasteland of phone numbers, they might think her pathetic. Her thumbnail scratches the pixel letters in Claude's name. Would he think so? Byleth shakes her head, whipping locks of tidal hair about her face. Silly. She's being silly.

And yet, she's already opened their message history and idly taps her keyboard in the hopes her fingers might spawn a passable conversation starter.

[10:21 AM] Hey.

Not passable. Not passable at all. Byleth looks out at the craggy cliffs surrounding Garreg Mach Law. If a Claude responds to a lame text on a phone thrown off a mountain and no one is around to see it, does the text really exist?

**[10:22 AM] i know a guy who would say thats for horses**

Byleth feels her lips curve up, a faint bend. She smothers it.

[10:23 AM] Terrible.

**[10:23 AM] you havent heard his 'best' material. anywho you called, milady?**

[10:24 AM] I texted. And what makes you think I am a lady?

**[10:26 AM] thats... actually a good point. well are you? is the enigmatic not seteth a lady?**

[10:26 AM] Maybe. Maybe not.

**[10:27 AM] righto heres my proposal**

**[10:27 AM] i get three guesses and you have to tell me if im right**

[10:28 AM] These odds seem stacked in your favor.

**[10:28 AM] naturally. all the best odds are**

[10:29 AM] You were right anyways. I am a girl.

**[10:30 AM] but of course. my intuition is rarely wrong about these things**

[10:31 AM] Seems dubious at best.

**[10:31 AM] never**

**[10:31 AM] you wanted something though?**

[10:33 AM] I just felt like talking is all. Is that bad?

**[10:33 AM] what no. friends can talk to each other whenever they want**

[10:35 AM] We're friends, then?

**[10:36 AM] i mean i hope so lol. im not such a cool guy to just anyone you know**

[10:37 AM] Only wrong numbers, right?

**[10:37 AM] only wrong numbers**

[10:38 AM] In that case, I'm happy we are friends, Claude.

**[10:38 AM] ditto not seteth**

This time Byleth does not smother her smile.


	2. in which a winky face is wielded like a weapon

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bless all of you!!! Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments! Have another chapter <3

**Monday, Great Tree Moon 14**

**[6:23 PM] i just witnessed a grown man pour saghert and cream over a very pricey steak**

****[6:25 PM] Is that a problem?

**[6:25 PM] only for my other friend currently having a stroke at the sight lmao**

**[6:26 PM] i fully support food chaos  
**

[6:27 PM] Seems like you have some lively friends. **  
**

**[6:27 PM] aww not seteth are you jelly??  
**

[6:28 PM] I am going to assume you are not asking if I am gelatin. **  
**

**[6:28 PM] lol no. it means jealous**

****[6:29 PM] Why would I be jealous?

**[6:30 PM] im teasing dearest. you type so seriously i just cant help myself ;)  
**

[6:31 PM] Ah. That makes sense. **  
**

 **[6:31 PM] you know me, always the clever trickste** r **  
**

[6:33 PM] I am not so sure about "clever." **  
**

**[6:33 PM] oof. never one to pull punches are you  
**

[6:34 PM] Not when he deserves the punch. **  
**

**[6:35 PM] :( im telling the police ur bullying me  
**

[6:36 PM] I was also teasing you. Did I do it right? **  
**

**[6:38 PM] little not seteth all grown up and teasing me. brings a tear to my eye  
**

[6:43 PM] Claude, should you be texting me while with your friends? **  
**

**[6:44 PM] dont worry theyre all too busy calling lorenz a simp for expensive cutlery and bougie wine  
**

[6:46 PM] What is a "simp?" **  
**

 **[6:46 PM] hahahaha ill tell you when youre older 😉** **  
**

[6:47 PM] I thought I was all grown up. **  
**

**[6:47 PM] welp you got me. still i wouldnt want to corrupt your innocence  
**

[6:48 PM] Trust me, I am not innocent. **  
**

**[6:49 PM] coming from you thats somehow more scary than intriguing  
**

[6:49 PM] Maybe you should be cared, Claude. **  
**

[6:50 PM] I meant "scared" not "cared." **  
**

**[6:52 PM] you just made me choke on my drink  
**

[6:52 PM] Out of fear? **  
**

**[6:53 PM] care me more not seteth  
**

[6:54 PM] You are impossible. **  
**

**[6:54 PM] yeah but u like it  
**

[6:55 PM] I said no such thing. **  
**

**[6:56 PM] and yet here you are. talking to me. swept away by my unparalleled wit  
**

[6:58 PM] You are quite sure of yourself. **  
**

**[6:58 PM] got no reason i shouldnt be  
**

**[6:59 PM] gotta dip for bit. leaving the restaurant.  
**

[7:00 PM] OK. Do not hit your head on the way out. **  
**

**[7:00 PM] your concern is nice but what**

****[7:01 PM] Your head must be overly large in order to contain your ego. **  
**

**[7:01 PM] shut up not seteth  
**

[7:02 PM] I don't think I will, Claude.

 **  
  
**[9:47 PM] I have researched "simp" and "simping." I feel sorry for this "Lorenz." **  
**

**[9:48 PM] you shouldnt. you really shouldnt**

* * *

**  
  
Golden McDankMemes- 8 members**

**  
  
**[leanmememachine] guys i have something important to share **  
**

[leanmememachine] it's a commemoration of tonight **  
**

[leanmememachine] in mankinds highest art form **  
**

[leanmememachine] **  
**

[AccessorizeThis] claude **  
**

[AccessorizeThis] CLAUDE **  
**

[AccessorizeThis] im dying **  
**

[Cake is currency] Lorenz really does talk in that font doesn't he **  
**

[sauin pride] that's your big takeaway? **  
**

[sauin pride] but yeah he does **  
**

[Cake is currency] It's the little things that turn good art into great art **  
**

[sauin pride] my font suits me as well. solid choice **  
**

[leanmememachine] thanks squad i really bled for this piece **  
**

[slather me in mayo daddy claude] Delete this abomination at once. **  
**

[AccessorizeThis] HOLY SHIT **  
**

[AccessorizeThis] THAT NAME **  
**

[sauin pride] pretty appropriate **  
**

[Cake is currency] I'm laughing but I also need to bleach my brain due to the mental image **  
**

[sauin pride] sweet goddess now i'm seeing it. pass the bleach when you're done **  
**

[slather me in mayo daddy claude] Why can't I change my name, Claude? What did you do? I refuse to accept such vulgarity. **  
**

[leanmememachine] i may have locked your admin privileges bud **  
**

[Cake is currency] What a crying shame **  
**

[AccessorizeThis] XDXD my sides hurt sm **  
**

[sauin pride] i doubt this is the first time lorenz has been locked out of something **  
**

[sauin pride] he's definitely the type who got banned from chucky cheese as a kid **  
**

[Cake is currency] As if he'd ever set foot inside a Chucky Cheese **  
**

[sauin pride] damn you're right. toys r us then **  
**

[leanmememachine] i can hear it now: "no sir you cannot speak to a manager for the 58th time. also no we will not change all the ken dolls to kenneth" **  
**

[AccessorizeThis] lmao he would. kinda makes me wanna burn all my old barbies tho **  
**

[sauin pride] you're awfully quiet over there lorenz **  
**

[Cake is currency] Probably just doesn't want to seethat glorious username again

[MEAT LLC] late but RESPECT

[MEAT LLC] lorenz you shouldn't have hated on my steak

[sauin pride] tbf this was more about dunking on lorenz than your steak

[Cake is currency] Personally I was more concerned for the poor saghert and cream

[MEAT LLC] it all goes to the same place anyways  
 ****

**[dorte] changed [slather me in mayo daddy claude] to [Red Rose of Gloucester]**

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Marianne, you are the sole light in this otherwise dark and savage world.

[AccessorizeThis] mari i <3 u but its lorenz

[sauin pride] leave it to marianne to be the only one with a heart

[sauin pride] she's too good for lorenz

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Why am I still being mocked?

[Cake is currency] Did you really just ask that

[dorte] sorry... i just thought if someone gave me a name like that it might hurt my feelings...

[leanmememachine] marianne i would never

[leanmememachine] lorenz just doesnt have any feelings to hurt

[sauin pride] truer words have never been spoken

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Preposterous. Noble and common man alike share the same sentimentalities, albeit one far more refined than the other.

[sauin pride] see shit like that is why this happens to you

[Cake is currency] She's not wrong

[dorte] lorenz is thoughtful in his own way

[dorte] he tries his best...

[AccessorizeThis] somehow mari that

[AccessorizeThis] was more brutal than anything weve said LOL

[dorte] oh.... i didn't mean to... i'm sorry lorenz

[Red Rose of Gloucester] It's quite all right. You spared me the indignity of that crass name.

  
  
**DM to [dorte] from [AccessorizeThis]**

[AccessorizeThis] mari do NOT feel bad!!

[AccessorizeThis] i was joking. ur a saint <3

[dorte] you're too kind to me...

[AccessorizeThis] no one could ever be too kind to you :D

[dorte] i appreciate it

[AccessorizeThis] btw if lorenz slides into ur dms pls ignore him

  
  
**DM to [dorte] from [Red Rose of Gloucester]**

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Thank you again, Marianne. Perhaps I can treat you to tea as thanks?

[dorte] oh no that's ok... i wouldn't want to be a bother...

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Nonsense! I insist.

  
  
**DM to [AccessorizeThis] from [dorte]**

[dorte] aaaa... i'm sorry hilda. i already responded!

[AccessorizeThis] he asked to take you out for tea didnt he

[dorte] yes

[AccessorizeThis] what did you say

[dorte] he shouldn't worry about me... so i told him that... but he still wants to thank me i think...

[AccessorizeThis] sit tight mari. ive got u <3

  
  
**DM to [Red Rose of Gloucester] from [AccessorizeThis]**

[AccessorizeThis] touch mari and i will find you i will flay you and i will scatter your remains across the wilds of fodlan. i have a very particular set of skills

[AccessorizeThis] ❤️🔪❤️

  
  
**DM to [dorte] from [Red Rose of Gloucester]**

[Red Rose of Gloucester] Actually, might we take a rain check on the tea, Marianne? Something has come up.

[dorte] oh... alright then... take care lorenz

  
  
**GoldenMcDankMemes- 8 members**

[StarryKnight] What in the name of the Goddess is this backlog?

* * *

**Tuesday, Great Tree Moon 15**

[7: 34 AM] I have a question.  
 ****

**[7:36 AM] it's not even 8 in the morning not seteth**

[7:36 AM] And?  
 ****

**[7:37 AM] and what if i was asleep**

[7:37 AM] Were you?  
 ****

**[7:38 AM] no but i couldve been. it's the principle!!**

[7:38 AM] I fail to see the issue.

[7:39 AM] You're awake.  
 ****

**[7:40 AM]😑 just ask your question you gremlin**

[7:41 AM] I have been wondering what it is you do.  
 ****

**[7:42 AM] before 8 i merely lament my lack of fluffy pillows and sheets**

[7:43 AM] Maybe I was mistaken and all you do is, in fact, mess around.  
 ****

**[7:43 AM] whatever gave you the impression otherwise??? ;)**   
****

**[7:44 AM] alright alright though. im a student. early morning classes are just such a joy**

[7:45 AM] A university student?  
 ****

**[7:45 AM] goddess i hope so. high school at 23? 😱😨😱**

[7:46 AM] What do you study?  
 ****

**[7:46 AM] curious this morn are we**

[7:48 AM] Yes.  
 ****

**[7:48 AM] just coming out with it then okie dokes  
**

**[7:49 AM] well jokes on you thinking i study at all**

[7:52 AM] I do not know why I expected an answer.  
 ****

**[7:53 AM] like you have room to talk miss 'security' and 'travels a lot' :)))**

[7:54 AM] Would you like to know more?  
 ****

**[7:54 AM] i never could resist the allure of strange women**

[7:55 AM] Are you calling me strange or alluring, Claude?  
 ****

**[7:55 AM] is there a way to come out of this unscathed?**

[7:56 AM] If you tell me what you study.  
 ****

**[7:57 AM] oh fine. law. i study law**

  
  
Byleth inhales, and the breath is entirely involuntary. The odds are slim. Garreg Mach is hardly the only law school in Fodlan. And it's small. Isolated. Cold and mountainous. It doesn't suit the breezy, sun-kissed image she's manufactured for Claude. Of course, he could be anyone, someone far removed from the pleasant smiles and dimples she imagines.  
  
She frowns at the series of nonsensical characters absently pecked into her message box. Byleth should not care. She should not tug at wayward strands of hair in frustration when she thinks about her virtual friend at some other school. She should not think so much at all.

  
  
**[8:03 AM] stunned into silence?  
**

**[8:03 AM] i know im amazing but still**

[8:04 AM] Sorry. I was preoccupied.

[8:04 AM] You want to be a lawyer?  
 ****

**[8:05 AM] in a manner of speaking i suppose**

[8:06 AM] You certainly talk like one.  
 ****

**[8:06 AM] i am choosing to consider that a compliment  
**

**[8:06 AM] will you tell me about the kind of secu** **rity** **you work?**

[8:09 AM] What would you like to know?  
 ****

**[8:10 AM] ever have to beat up bad guys?**

[8:11 AM] Occasionally  
 ****

**[8:11 AM] travel outside fodlan?**

[8:12 AM] Not yet.  
 ****

**[8:12 AM] booo no tropical shores of brigid or frigid wastes of sreng?**

[8:13 AM] Just Fodlan.

[8:14 AM] Is that boring?  
 ****

**[8:15 AM] not seteth... boring isnt a word id use to describe you :D**

  
  
His words, the frivolous smiley—they cause her toes to wriggle inside her boots. Byleth cannot decide if she likes or hates the sensation. It's foreign. Unusual. She glares at one of the spired buildings dotting campus and wonders if he's there, phone in hand, waiting.

  
  
[8:17 AM] Aren't you in class? Will your professor get angry if you don't pay attention?  
 ****

**[8:18 AM] that old geezer?? nah ill risk it  
**

**[8:18 AM] are you at work? must be tricky sec** **urity** **-ing while texting me ;)**

[8:19 AM] Go pay attention to your lecture, Claude.  
 ****

**[8:19 AM] as you command not seteth  
**

**[8:19 AM] :pppp**

  
  
Byleth shoves her phone into a coat pocket, footsteps thudding against the cobblestone path. She's never been so aware of the way the phone weighs down that side of her jacket slightly more than the other.

* * *

**[2:04 PM] do you carry a gun for work**

[2:07 PM] Is there a reason I should tell you?  
 ****

**[2:07 PM] so thats a yes then**

[2:08 PM] It is a "Why do you need to know if I have a gun?"  
 ****

**[2:08 PM] bc i if you do i want you to please shoot me  
**

**[2:09 PM] i would rather DIE than listen to another second of this lesson :`(**

[2:10 PM] Are you always so dramatic?  
 ****

**[2:10 PM] i was briefly a theatre major in undergrad  
**

**[2:10 PM] adds some spiciness to life**

[2:12 PM] I assure you there is nothing "spicy" about being shot.  
 ****

**[2:13 PM] idk the thought of being slowly nursed back to health by a beautiful doctor after suffering a serious but not life threatening gunshot wound does have its appeal**

[2:15 PM] What kind of fantasy is that?  
 ****

**[2:15 PM] product of an active and healthy imagination?**

[2:16 PM] I hesitate to call that "healthy."  
 ****

**[2:17 PM] well not seteth do you have a gun or not?**

[2:20 PM] A handgun, yes. However, I rarely need to unholster it.  
 ****

**[2:20 PM] armed and dangerous huh ;)**

[2:21 PM] I said "rarely." I may make an exception for you.  
 ****

**[2:21 PM] i DID ask to be shot**

[2:22 PM] Is class really that dull?  
 ****

**[2:22 PM] yes!!!!  
**

**[2:23 PM] you try listening to these dusty old dudes blather all day and see how long you last**

[2:25 PM] I never went to college, so I will have to take your word for it.  
 ****

**[2:26 PM] youre not missing much  
**

**[2:26 PM] just crippling debt and self loathing 🙃**

[2:28 PM] You don't hate it, though, do you? Otherwise, why are you there?  
 ****

**[2:29 PM] i dont no. just gets tiresome sometimes  
**

**[2:30 PM] anyways  
**

**[2:30 PM] whats up on your end? hogtie any outlaws?**

[2:32 PM] Claude, your impression of my work seems a lot more involved than it is.  
 ****

**[2:32 PM] youre telling me you dont lasso yosemite sam on the daily?? :O**

[2:35 PM] Why am I in a cartoon western now?  
 ****

**[2:36 PM] im working with what ive got  
**

**[2:36 PM] let me have this not seteth  
**

**[2:37 PM] unless you wanna give more deets 👀**

[2:38 PM] You won't let this go, will you?  
 ****

**[2:38 PM] negative captain**

[2:42 PM] I am an independent security consultant. I offer advice to businesses or institutions. Sometimes I train their staff. No lassos. No hogties.  
 ****

**[2:43 PM] sounds fancy  
**

**[2:43 PM] so youre basically badass enough to teach others how to be badass**

[2:43 PM] More or less.

  
While it's certainly not infrequent that Claude finds himself grinning at Not Seteth's messages, this one splits his face wide. She's confident. Assertive. So very... different. He tries to picture her, clad in black, maybe a slate grey, hard-eyed and stern. Claude figures she stands with one hand on her hip, the other tossing a bit of hair over her shoulder. He can't choose between dirty blonde or auburn.

  
  
**[2:46 PM] maybe i should call you teach**

[2:48 PM] I like Not Seteth.  
 ****

**[2:48 PM] do you? i mean you know my name but youre still that to me**

[2:51 PM] Do you want to know my name?

  
  
Even knowing she might ask that, Claude swallows. Does he? Yeah. Yeah, he does. But can he say that? Is it acceptable to cross another line of anonymity? He's better than this. He's not so easily flustered. Especially by things as mundane as names.  
  
But this is _her_ name. Not Seteth. A woman of indeterminate hair color and height and proper punctuation and grammar. Claude swallows again.

  
  
**[2:55 PM] your choice not seteth**

[2:57 PM] I think I'll have you wait a while longer, Claude.

  
  
His forehead wrinkles slightly. He isn't disappointed. He definitely isn't.

  
  
**[2:57 PM] all good!!! im a patient man ;)**

[2:58 PM] Every time you send that face, the wait time increases.  
 ****

**[2:58 PM] :(  
**

**[2:59 PM] youre so mean to me**

[3:00 PM] You do not seem to dislike it.  
 ****

**[3:00 PM] i resent that accusation!!!  
**

**[3:01 PM] my heart is pure as snow clear as blue skies**

[3:02 PM] That is quite the defense.

[3:02 PM] You are the lawyer here, though.  
 ****

**[3:03 PM] law student but ill take the promotion**

[3:04 PM] You may need it if you continue texting in class.  
 ****

**[3:04 PM] ugh you really are a teacher**

[3:05 PM] Just sometimes.  
 ****

**[3:05 PM] ill have you know class let out a few minutes ago. im not breaking any rules now ;p**

[3:09 PM] I have a meeting soon. Maybe use that time to learn whatever it was you didn't texting me?

**[3:10 PM] rude**

**[3:10 PM] but alrighty teach. enjoy your meeting ;)**

[3:11 PM] Each one is another day.

**[3:11 PM] ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)**

She doesn't respond, and it feels like both a victory and a defeat. Claude holds the cool glass of his phone to his cheek and thinks that attempting to study might be pointless.

* * *

**Thursday, Great Tree Moon 17**

Not Seteth didn't text him yesterday. Granted, he didn't either, but Claude thought he'd come across as clingy if he texted too often. They are strangers, after all—a pair of faceless, nearly nameless strangers. The fact they even text to begin with is... unorthodox. And it isn't as if Claude does not have other friends, other people to spam with memes and send inappropriate amounts of winky faces to.

 _They aren't her_ , his uncooperative mind suggests uncooperatively.

Scowling, Claude pulls up the Golden Deer server on his phone and is sending a DM before he's comprehended the words he wrote.

**DM to [AccessorizeThis] from [leanmememachine]**  
  
[leanmememachine] is it mopey to mope that a friend didnt text you

[AccessorizeThis] uh what

[AccessorizeThis] u ok???

[leanmememachine] yeah no im good

[leanmememachine] forget i said anything

[leanmememachine] it sounded stupid the moment i sent it

[AccessorizeThis] claude

[AccessorizeThis] whats going on????

[leanmememachine] no seriously im fine

[AccessorizeThis] lol sure u r just tell me

[AccessorizeThis] this totally isnt like you

[leanmememachine] it's nothing. ive just been talking to someone a lot and we didnt talk yesterday

[leanmememachine] stupid like i said

[AccessorizeThis] claude von riegan are you crushing on someone?????

[leanmememachine] i regret all of this

[AccessorizeThis] omg YOU ARE <3 <3 <3

[AccessorizeThis] who is it???

[AccessorizeThis] r they in gd??

[AccessorizeThis] claude if its mari i cant support u sry not sry

[leanmememachine] hilda calm down :|

[leanmememachine] it's not marianne

[leanmememachine] and i dont have a crush

[AccessorizeThis] rite rite ur just all sad boi over a 'friend'

[leanmememachine] they really are just a friend

[leanmememachine] just

[leanmememachine] ok promise me you wont laugh

[AccessorizeThis] u kno i cant do that <3

[leanmememachine] 😩whatever

[leanmememachine] ive been texting a wrong number for a like a week

[AccessorizeThis] um

[leanmememachine] seteth gave me a fake bc... hes seteth and... ive been texting not seteth ever since

[AccessorizeThis] is this a joke??

[AccessorizeThis] ur messing with me :<

[leanmememachine] no

[leanmememachine] actually 100% serious

[AccessorizeThis] claude wth

[AccessorizeThis] do you even know who this person is???

[leanmememachine] yes and no?

[leanmememachine] she works in the security industry and is around our age

[AccessorizeThis] what else

[leanmememachine] thats kinda it

[AccessorizeThis] THATS NOTHING

[AccessorizeThis] do you know her name??

[leanmememachine] no. but i might soon

[AccessorizeThis] im gonna skip the whole wtf-ness of talking to a complete rando and just

[AccessorizeThis] claude what are you doing?

[leanmememachine] i dont know

[leanmememachine] but believe me ive thought about this

[leanmememachine] shes a nice person. shes interesting

[AccessorizeThis] she could also be a 50 year old dude catfishing ur dumb ass

[leanmememachine] shes not

[AccessorizeThis] how do u kno

[leanmememachine] shes not ok

[AccessorizeThis] obviously im not gonna convince you so

[AccessorizeThis] if it means that much just text her already

[leanmememachine] i dont want to crowd her

[AccessorizeThis] just do it you idiot

[AccessorizeThis] and cry to me afterwards when u realize ur getting played

[AccessorizeThis] ill comfort u <3

[leanmememachine] shut the fuck up hilda

[AccessorizeThis] <3<3<3<3

  
  
Claude groans. He should have known better than to ask Hilda for advice of any kind. Yet, she has a point. Not about the catfishing. He's willfully ignoring that. About just texting Not Seteth.  
  
Not Seteth is the type of person who doesn't immediately block wrong numbers out of a sense of politeness. She won't think he's creepy for wanting to talk more. She might even be hoping he does.  
  
Overthinking things doesn't help.

  
  
**[9:48 AM] that security life keeping you busy?**

  
  
He cringes, eyes roaming over the sentence again and again. When did he become so awkward?

  
  
[9:50 AM] Claude. You haven't been laying siege to my inbox. I thought maybe you died.

  
  
The air escapes his lungs as a ragged chuckle. This is Not Seteth's personal brand of sarcasm, potent even in text. Claude musses his already tousled hair.

  
  
**[9:51 AM] just busy you know. school. projects. being devilishly handsome**

[9:52 AM] I'm sure you do spend a lot of time in front of the mirror.  
 ****

**[9:52 AM] can you really blame me ;)**

[9:53 AM] Yes. For all sorts of things, most likely.  
 ****

**[9:53 AM] oho like what**

[9:54 AM] My phone has a character limit. I cannot possibly list them all.  
 ****

**[9:55 AM] im not THAT bad**

[9:56 AM] That remains to be seen.

[9:56 AM] But it's good to hear from you.

  
  
It is in this moment, brows arching up into his bangs, that Claude realizes he never wants to create some ridiculous excuse for not texting Not Seteth again.

**[9:58 AM] it's good youre not tired of me**

[10:01 AM] Seems that way.

[10:03 AM] Actually, I think I do want to tell you my name.

His heart hammers.

**[10:03 AM] oh?**

[10:06 AM] It's Byleth.

Claude says it aloud. He tests how it feels on his tongue, how it enters the atmosphere from his lips. He whispers her name like he's trying to get her attention in class from the back row.

**[10:08 AM] it's nice to meet you byleth ;)**

[10:09 AM] You're never going to stop using that face, are you?

**[10:09 AM] nope ;)**

[10:10 AM] Alright.

[10:10 AM] Two can play that game.

[10:10 AM] Claude. ;)

Surely, it's just the unseasonably humid weather today summoning heat to his cheeks. That is the only explanation.


End file.
